One of many Passages

I mentioned the Inside Passage briefly awhile ago. Back in August or July.

Since then I've developed different rules for it:

1. I only right in blue BIC pens or black fountain pens for the reason of i dont want to ever erase what I put down.

2. I will never rip out a single page no matter what it might say. Even if I just used it for scrap.

3. I don't date anything or write cliche things like: Dear Journal. I don't want to be bothered by that. And it's not just a journal. It's just me.

If that makes any sense

Here are a couple they may make no sense but maybe someone could relate in some little way:

I keep watching as reality runs farther and farther away from my grasp until I'm completely alone sitting in utter darkness. That sense of complete

loss, abandonment, and confusion encasing me.

So I wrote.

I wrote and I wrote and I though I killed it at the time. Now I know that I did not.

Look at me. I'm right here. Maybe not for long physically but in this exact moment I am here in front of you. Stop trying so hard to deny it.

Can't you see it isn't working?

Writing is what I can control because apparently I can't control a single thing that goes on around me.

Maybe that's why I do it.

Maybe that's why I get so involved in it and put me into my characters.

Maybe that's because I don't know how to even put me into me.

I try acting like I never gave up. But it's so obvious that I did.

When I forget it even for a minute it just crashes again and I remember a little more.

People say that a blank page is scary.

But it isn't the emptiness that scares them. It's the truth about themselves that will be revealed on it.

I believe that everything we write down reveals a truth about who we are.

(and just because I havent written in awhile I'll give you an extra long one)

What's it like when someone you love moves away? :

It's like you're driving down a road and you see signs telling you: "Brick wall ahead!"

You ignore it for the most part though because there's a great song on the radio and you don't want to miss it.

Then the signs start counting down how close you are to it.

And you keep going and then you crash into that brick wall.

And the music has stopped.

Just like that, everything is in pieces all around you and you don't know how to move forward after this.

You feel stupid; there were all the signs and you knew what they meant but until you crashed you didn't know what it was going to feel like.

And it feels worse than anything you could have imagined.

You feel abandoned.

And they're no where in sight.

You hear someone say: "Just wait and see who else comes!"

But you know they won'te even come close to what you had because you had the best.

And even if the next person comes close, though it hurts just thinking about this,

But you know it will be ages.

And you know you'll just be tossed aside like every other person always does because you just don't "stick out".

Just like that: they're gone and it feels like a death.

They were the passengers in you car and you're lying alone on the road on top of bits of glass.

Okay there you have it.

Picture is by my photography friend: shattered-spectrum.deviantart.com/

Feel free to stop by and say hello.

Chancing it

I'm really defensive at the moment. I'm not so crazy about people telling other people what I tell them within the same minute I tell them so person number two starts talking to me about it. If I was talking to them I would have chosen to tell or not tell them myself. I'm fed up with people.

School's been taking up every spare moment and I feel guilty I'm writing this when I should be studying for Honors Literature's second term quiz of the quarter. I've had too many things running through my mind. Way too many, more people keeping popping their heads into my lives to either jump out a moment later, or make me wonder in a way I feel I should not wonder.

I'll write a real blog tomorrow. Pinky promise!

~Maggie.

On the topic of The Sandman...

It has begun.

Okay, despite popular belief I actually do not despise school. Yes, it's boring. No, the friends are not the only reason I care about school. And yes, it adds a lot of work and effort. BUT, I'd rather be in school then constantly not doing anything. I'm now officially a junior. That still sounds weird not because I feel older in any way but junior means only two years of high school left. Two more years of living at home. Two more years until college. Junior year also means the dreaded horrid SAT's.

My classes are as follows:

1. Worldview.
2. Geography
3. Spanish IV
4. British Literature (Honors)
5. Chemistry

I can't yet say which I actually dislike. I know Lit. will be the largest work load, Chem. will probably be the most difficult, Spanish IV will be the newest curriculum wise because this year is a lot different than the other years (more speaking and reading and writing- less vocab but more difficult). I can't really say anything for Geography and Worldview. My worldview teacher may be my favorite - we had a walking race in the hall on the first day. I won.

The thing about Lit. is that there are a lot of essays and reading. But reading and writing are my passions. And now we can actually discuss what's beneath the surface of everything. I'm invisible to my Russian English teacher but that's a story for another day.

I don't know how to say the way I feel about chemistry- I love learning about chemicals especially medicines but I will never be a medical person because I wouldn't be able to take school for as long as it takes to get any where in medicine.

Worldview is said to be very interesting but I don't know for sure. It's a lot of reading. Which I actually need to go do.

Alright, I'll shut up. I know this must be disgustingly boring.

Here's what I shall leave with:

Try coming up with something inspirational on the spot. Something deep. Something others will awe at. Try. Type in the address bar. It can be one sentence. If you come up with something leave it in a comment. It can even be a fragment. Just do it. Gopher it. Leave reasoning behind. Go forward! Jump. Stop questioning it. Stop wondering and thinking. It's there. It's already in your heart so put it down.

It won't hurt you. From here it can only help.

Jump my fellow humans. Jump.

Need Not Want Not.

Oh you silly child, here you are, convincing your self that you matter, that you can do something. Never tell yourself you are good at something because as soon as you begin thinking it someone will happily come by and tell you that you are not. That you are merely an amateur, that what you are doing and thinking will never be half as good as that person over there. You don't want to hear that because no matter what you tell yourself you will be crushed. Something you've been doing for years trying to perfect and just before you think you've got it: "We changed our minds, they're going to do it instead. You're good just they're better." You can do it, you just do it wrong every single time.

Remember: Crying doesn't make you childish, crying makes you human.

The End.

Down the rabbit's hole.

"I can see you there

With all your despair

Now I can help you out

But there’s only one way I know how

And that’s the way back to me

But I’m not so sure

If that’s where you want to be

I’ve seen you sad

And I know when you’re clearly mad

But that happiness

Has been gone so long

That now I don’t know

If it can return

I’ve waited patiently

But nothing seems to be

How I thought it would"

I don't know. I can see everything and it all fits but it doesn't at the same time. There's two pieces that fit together, there are the same two pieces that are definitely not working. I can see that, I don't need someone to scream it at me, thanks for the offer though? But I have hope, I do. Maybe not as much strength as I need for that hope though. But I still have it and do I not have the right to cling to that hope especially in a time of need like this? I understand what's going on, though I don't, but when they try to tell me I know they're only getting the outsider's view. What's on the outside may seem to be nothing, and isn't everyone always saying: It's what on the inside that matters? Well then you are blatantly contradicting yourself if you think: The inside is what matters but what I see on the outside means you should give up. THAT IS IGNORANT! Honestly. It is.

Emails Galore and Other Tales

So I have a lot of emails:

mangoroxon@gmail.com

mjcmv923@yahoo.com

maggie.here@live.com

maggeek@yahoo.com

softballgirl6@yahoo.com

geektasticproductions@gmail.com

girlface923@aim.com

and i keep forgetting the rest but my newest is:

infinitedilemma@yahoo.com

woot! my blog has an email address. and if you havent noticed i am sticking with infinite dilemma for awhile (e.g. my twitter, my AIM, my blog, my email and even my gaia account is Infinite Dilemma.) So hit any of those things up if you want.

Now, the reason I haven't been blogging as much. I've started something new. The Alcott's had their own version that they would read aloud at their dinner table. Ralph Waldo Emerson had his called his "Savings Bank" and now Maggie Cochran (me) has her own. I call it "The Inside Passage". It's where I write down any thoughts I have or any inspiration. I'll probably put a couple on here in time. But right now it's strictly ink and paper. It's amazing how much I could put in there that's been in my head. It's not exactly a diary though I do write opinions and if anything intriguing happens but it's all in the name of art.

I appreciate different things as art. I believe writers are artists and it's a shame that people don't realize that a lot of times. You can hear a musician- art. You can see a painting - art. But you need a brain and a heart to be able to read a writer's art. Hey that rhymes. But in all seriousness, writing is my art and my passion. I just more people realized it's not just a story but in fact a work of art in its own right.

Bite my tongue...Again.

I love you but I'm not IN love with you.

But I can't tell you that. And you know it.